May 14, 2025  |    Leave a comment  |    Home

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Workers Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were being a penthouse, it could have a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker obtain. That is the eyesight guiding Trump Tower Damascus, the newest geopolitical development-slash-luxurious housing calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.


Sure, the man who set casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Impression catalogs has now set his eye on the center East. Instead of the standard Dubai skyline filler either-no, we are speaking Damascus, town historically known for historical tradition, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It is going to be large. Huge!" Trump declared by means of a leaked golf cart Zoom connect with, streamed with the putting inexperienced inside Mar-a-Lago's Problem Bunker. "We've experienced stunning ceasefires in Syria. Some of the finest. But now, we're constructing them with balconies."



Welcome towards the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca within a falafel stand-bewildered, majestic, and completely away from location. Intended by Slovenian firm Ivana & Sons, the tower characteristics:




  • A three-flooring On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Delighted Hour till the drone flies")




  • Plus a nine/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely called "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses reported mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile service provider, sighed, "We waited ten yrs for potable h2o. But Certainly, sure, let us have another location in which American Gentlemen can use robes and simply call it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains as well as a pillow menu, needless to say."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign policy analysts are contacting this the most audacious peace endeavor considering the fact that Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Even though earlier negotiations failed less than the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's prepare is simpler: give Every person a suite over the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.


According to files printed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal consists of "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration concerning rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, full with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is smooth electrical power," reported political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a deal along with a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO won't. Geopolitical gridlock requirements less diplomats and more minibar upgrades."



Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming


Intercontinental watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mainly into gold-plated intercoms set up in Each individual unit. The UN Exclusive Rapporteur for Conflict of Interest observed, "It isn't really that Trump shouldn't open a tower in a war zone. It truly is that he should quit employing it to lease ballroom Place to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when asked in regards to the job, replied, "You know, man, I as soon as rode a camel in Beirut. Great folks. Wonderful tan. Anyway, do I nevertheless have that ice cream?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a set for "long run proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred to the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit with the Levant."



Satellite Photographs Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit revealed that the resort's landscaping types a giant Trump head seen from Room, a feature remaining marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is constructed from refugee tents as well as the chin is… nicely, categorized.


Environmental teams have Trump Tower Damascus filed lawsuits just after acquiring the developing's gold plating mirrored a great deal daylight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and established fire to an area melon cart.


"It is really not only unappealing. It's a war crime with curtains," explained Amnesty Worldwide's regional director.



The Melania Wing and also other Bewildering Functions


Probably the strangest element in the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made up of:




  • A silent atrium the place attendees might contemplate obscure disappointment




  • A reproduction of her Slovenian Bed room, total with weather Regulate established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I don't care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Show.




Neighborhood Syrians are Uncertain what to make of the. "Is she a ghost?" asked twelve-calendar year-aged Ahmad, pointing to a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Marketing and advertising Method: "In case you Bomb It, They're going to Arrive"


The ad campaign, a short while ago leaked by using the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. A single poster reads:


"Peace is Short-term. Luxurious is Endlessly."


One more slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee outlets:


"A Tower So Huge, Even Assad Has to Notice."


Community reception is wildly divided. A current SnapPoll executed inside a hookah lounge demonstrates:




  • 34% say "it might stabilize the world"




  • 29% say "this will likely escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% claimed "in which's the closest elevator for the West Bank?"





Investor Praise: "Finally, a Crisis That Pays"


The challenge is previously attracting interest from Global investors, which include:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights for a foreign minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who explained he'll invest in three penthouses "simply to flex on Hezbollah."




In keeping with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's industrial stage will likely contain:




  • A Greenback Store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Topic Park Called 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Place Dependant on the Iraq War





Comment Segment Chaos


Within the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb report about the disclosing, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Can't wait to see a marriage in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades in lieu of rice."


Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"At last, a lodge the place my PTSD may have change-down support."


Yet another publish from @KuwaitiKardashian simply questioned:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Influence


U.S. officials be concerned the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real Estate Arms Race." Stories recommend:




  • China may open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is scheduling a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly made available to create a Tesla showroom to the Golan Heights powered by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten involved. In keeping with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has presented to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the very best ground "The Holy See-Level Suite."



Closing Thoughts through the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


Within a closing ceremony that included a few camels, a flamethrower, as well as a hologram of Reagan supplying a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed more than the speakers:


"Damascus wanted hope. It required gold. It essential a waterslide formed just like the Constitution. I gave all of it a few. You're welcome."

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